Miracle #1 of the mission: I have experienced very
intimately just how necessary and beautiful sadness can be.
On Tuesday, I had a moment with one of my favorite families,
la familia Cando, where we just talked for a bit about being a missionary.
Hermana Cando was asking and teasing me about my video call home on Mother’s
Day and she asked if I cried when I saw my family. Their own daughter is currently
about 5 months into her mission, serving in Peru. I thought the question was interesting
and explained that I didn’t cry upon seeing my family but instead had an emotional
few seconds mid-way through the call when I expressed my love for them and shared
about some things I have learned out here that I will be applying for the rest
of my life to help us grow and continue to support each other.
As we chatted and laughed (Hermana Cando later confessed
they all cried during their call), I became really thoughtful and quiet and
those thoughts have stayed with me even up to now as I start to write this
letter. Before the mission, I used to always avoid, fear and push away sadness as
soon as it started to enter my mind. This was a constant goal: focus on good
vibes, be chill and happy…all the time. Looking back, that was so dumb! I’ll
never say it’s bad to want to be happy all the time but I realize now that, by
covering up and avoiding sadness, I was limiting myself in feeling and enjoying
the full emotional spectrum we humans are capable of feeling. Let me explain…
I remember being so sad and lonely in the beginning of my
mission, especially during my training here in Esmeraldas. I’m sure you all
remember my solemn “SOS” letters and could feel my anxiety during those early
months. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t push the sadness away and that
was really new for me. At the time my inability to push it away was a negative
thing and made it worse. But I’m here to say now, looking back on it, it
absolutely negative at all! Thanks to that deserted, real, deep, deep ache-inside-my-chest
sadness I felt for being away from my family and all that I loved, I now feel
like it really means something when I tell my family I love them…even to the
point of making me involuntarily cry in middle of a video call home to wish my
mom a happy mother’s day. What I have learned is that by experiencing deep and real
sadness and despair, my ability to feel a real, and higher level of joy and
love has developed and capacity increased. Sadness really is beautiful and is
so important.
Now I don’t feel sadness as often as I did back then. I’ve
learned to recognize when it’s coming my way, to let it in for a bit to remind me
those feelings are still a part of me, and then let it go. I’ve noticed that by
doing that I’ve become more adept at feeling compassion and empathy towards
others. It’s like I was walking around covered with emotional plastic wrap and
my mission has helped me finally peel it all off and feel and enjoy the fresh
air of all of my emotions for the first time. I sense deeper, richer and more meaningful
feelings and I can relate and comfort others more readily.
Don’t fear sadness. Don’t be so quick to push it away either.
Recognize it, let it in and then let it go. Appreciate it for what it’s worth.
I know it will bless your lives because it is a miracle that has abundantly
blessed mine.
With love,
- EE
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